Intimate Partner Violence / Coercive Control

Where to begin...

I am writing this article in the fall of 2026, a year that has seen one of the worst rates of femicide in intimate partner relationships, with between 14 and 17 cases reported as of September. In this article, we will use the feminine form when referring to victims and the masculine form when referring to perpetrators of violence, since, statistically speaking, this is a highly gendered issue. This does not imply that men cannot be victims, nor does it exclude relationships between two women, two men, or relationships involving people of gender and sexual diversity.

The discourse on domestic violence has had to evolve over time—and thankfully so, since there was a time when violence within a relationship was considered a private matter, and society did not intervene. For a long time afterward, people also referred to it as “domestic violence,” and even today, despite the evolution of the term, we continue to use it in various areas of public services (police, shelter resources, CAVAC, etc.).

Not everyone understands why terminology changes in scientific and social discourse: today we speak of “coercive control” because our understanding of the issue has also evolved! For a long time, many women did not identify themselves as being in a relationship involving intimate partner violence because they did not experience any physical violence. However, they may have experienced various forms of control: surveillance, restrictions on their comings and goings, being cut off from friends and family, being barred from pursuing an education or earning an income, or even having their income entirely managed by the abuser, among other things.

Let's Talk Coercive Control

Control refers to... well, the control exerted over another person; and “coercive” means forced—that is, the person is neither aware of nor consenting to the control being exerted over them.

I therefore invite you to view coercive control as a toolbox from which the abuser draws to exert control over his victim. These manipulative behaviors are part of a cycle of violence that contributes to the victim’s confusion about what she is experiencing and keeps her in the relationship against her will for a long time.

Here are a few examples to show you what that might look like:

A man cheats on his partner, and as soon as she questions him about his unexplained absences, he reacts angrily and downplays what she’s going through by accusing her of being jealous, of being crazy for thinking he’s cheating on her, or even of accusing her of cheating herself. This puts the victim in a position where she has to defend herself against the accusation, which shifts the focus away from him. The argument ends without resolution—and, more importantly, without answers.
A woman gets married and immigrates to her spouse’s country. Once she arrives, she doesn’t speak the language of her new host country and doesn’t know anyone there. Far from her social network, control gradually takes hold. She wants to learn the language, but her husband forbids her from doing so, convincing her that it’s not necessary and that he’ll take care of her. He may also lead her to believe that she isn’t smart enough to learn a new language and that it’s not worth trying (thereby undermining her self-esteem at the same time). She finds a job at a grocery store where she doesn’t need to speak the language, and her paycheck goes directly into her husband’s account, who manages all the finances under the pretext that he wants to spare her the headache—but in reality, she has no way of knowing how much money is in the account or what is being done with it.
A couple enjoys a fairy-tale relationship for several months, during which the man treats his partner with generosity and care, promising her a life of luxury and comfort. They buy a house and move in together. Little by little, She realizes that he seems to drink alcohol regularly and finds hidden cans around the house. She brings this up with him, and he gets angry, accusing her of creating problems for no reason and insisting that she is the problem, not his drinking. She begins to doubt herself and wonders if she’s really making a big deal out of nothing. Then, she becomes pregnant, and now her partner forbids her from going out, accusing her of cheating on him and even questioning whether she is actually pregnant with HIS child. She constantly defends herself against his accusations, and over time, she isolates herself more and more just to keep the peace.

I could give you a ton of examples of situations like these that we encounter in our practices, but the goal here is to give you an overview of coercive control. On their own, one or two problematic behaviors don’t necessarily mean the relationship is toxic, but it’s the accumulation of manipulative behaviors—as well as the intention behind them (control and power over the other person)—that matters.

Cycle of Violence

I mentioned the cycle a little earlier. Well, the cycle consists of four phases: Honeymood, tension, agression and justification phases.

Honeymoon

Justification

Tension

Agression

Honeymoon : Also called the Remission phase, this is the first stage of the cycle, where there may be a great deal of love and attention directed toward the victim, all kinds of promises, and—well—a vision of the future that seems wonderful, perhaps even too good to be true. We’re talking about the Remission phase when this stage occurs later in the relationship as part of the cycle.
Tension : This is the stage where the victim feels like she is “walking on eggshells” around the abuser. It is the stage where she feels like something is about to happen, where she is anxious about what will come next. Once the cycle is well established, this is the stage where the victim will try to ease their anxiety by anticipating their partner’s needs and meeting them in advance, in the hope of preventing the next stage from taking place.
Agression: Aggression does not necessarily have to be physical; it can be an accusation of cheating, for example. We’re talking here about physical, psychological, economic, and social violence, among others. This causes the victim to feel outraged.
Justification : This is the stage at which the abuser justifies his actions by distorting reality. For example, a jealous outburst and an accusation of cheating are justified by the intensity of his love for his victim: “I love you so much that I was afraid I’d lost you to someone else.”

After the rationalization phase, the relationship returns to the “honeymoon” or “remission” phase, during which the victim may receive gifts, thoughtful gestures, and so on. The purpose of this phase is to give the victim hope so that they will stay in the relationship and believe that things will change. Eventually, this stage becomes shorter and shorter, and may even disappear altogether when the abuser believes they have a strong enough hold over their victim that they no longer need to give them hope.

Let’s consider someone who has been in this kind of relationship for several years—a relationship in which he has led her to believe that she is worthless without him, that he is an angel for staying with such a “difficult” person, and that he isolates her from her friends and family, and so on. The recovery phase is no longer necessary because the victim’s self-esteem has been reduced to nothing, she no longer has a support network she can rely on if she leaves, she believes she is the problem, and so on.

The Importance of Consulting a Professional Who Is Well-Equipped to Address this Issue

The manipulation a person may experience in this type of relationship can make them feel responsible for the abuse, and this abuse can continue even after the separation—what is commonly referred to in our field as post-separation violence. It’s so deceitful that consulting a professional can open our eyes to what we’ve been through, allow us to gain some perspective on the situation so we can place the responsibility for the abusive behaviour squarely on the abuser, and protect ourselves. A professional can also access specialized resources if they believe your life is in danger, or guide you toward shelter resources, for example.

Are you looking for resources on this issue? Please note that if your life is in danger, call 911 immediately. Otherwise, click here for a non-exhaustive list of resources.